1. Most aren’t very “hardcore” in bed.
Gwyneth explained that the number of men who wanted to push boundaries and experiment in bed only made up a small minority of her clients.
“A lot of them don’t want all this hardcore kinky sex — that’s such a small percentage of the men. I was in the industry for 12 years — that’s a long time. But I didn’t see a lot of the men that had these sick fantasies. Most of it was just normal sex.”
2. Many clients wanted a psychological or emotional connection.
Surprise, surprise. Straight men have feelings too. Gwyneth believes that sex is not just about sex for many guys, as several clients enjoyed talking and sometimes playing games.
“It’s more than just sex. There’s always a psychological motivation for sex, it’s not just a physical urge. A lot of the clients I would see would be an hour plus and I mean sure, they wanted the sex, but a big part of my job was just talking.
“There was always some sort of psychological game from it. There was always a feeling of … you could sort of tell they felt more validated as a man or some of them felt like ‘I can control you’. They’d walk out with this strut.”
3. They want to feel like “men”. (Whatever that means.)
Gwyneth claims that her clients – many of whom were in relationships – sought her out because they felt “emasculated”.
They want to feel masculine again. They’re seeking validity for their virility. Virility is very important to men. There’s also a group of men who want to play the game. They get an intense delight out of controlling women. They get more of a kick out of feeling like they control you, than they do off the actual sex. So a lot of it is from a psychological motivation.
4. They are confused about gender roles.
As the public discourse around gender roles continues, Gwyneth believes that the age-old issue of gender roles has become a murky area which men struggle to navigate.
“I don’t want to be so brazen as to just blame feminism for this. However, I think there is a part to play where men do feel emasculated. They don’t know ‘should I open the door? Will I get yelled at?’
“A lot of the time the grip is they don’t know what it is to be a man anymore. They’ve lost their way. That’s what I’ve seen in my clients.”
5. If you want to understand men, “detach the emotions”.
Gwyneth believes that many women seeking to understand their partners do so while clouded by feelings. She believes it is important to set these aside and take an “outside” perspective in order to fully grasp a man’s mindset.
“Detach the emotions — look at it from the outside. The man will give you all the cues from his behaviour and his relationships. You’ll be able to pick out if this person is going to be a long term thing or not really the right fit for you.”
Gwyneth has met many people in the course of her career, so her reflections are interesting. Needless to say, however, they cannot be used as generalizations for all relationships – not least because she is only discussing men within a hetero-normative paradigm. All the same, as with all advice, take from it from you will.